You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
