Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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