I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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