You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
