I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
