after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So I just went to clothing optional bar
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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