I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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