After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize