I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
