I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
