it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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