omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
