No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize