You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
