There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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