Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't turn off my feet"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
