Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My balls are so social today.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
