I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
