did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
