i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I believe in your delicious
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
