Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
