Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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