It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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