I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
