I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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