I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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