I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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