Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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