i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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