miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize