my phone needs a breathalizer
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
