I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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