I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
