I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
