he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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