I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
