Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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