I think im going to throw up on grandma
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
