Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
