there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she told me i tasted like america
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
