So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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