He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Success! We fucked roommates!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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