i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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