He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
