I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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