i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
