Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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