while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So vagazzling was a success
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
