Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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