I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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