i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's never too late to be topless.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
