If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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