dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
