Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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