I think i peed on brittanys purse
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
