I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize