I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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