Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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