Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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