I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
