I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
