Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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