Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You need Xanax blowdarts
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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