I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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