I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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