Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize