I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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