I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
