I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
