i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize