i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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