my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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