I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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