Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
