So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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