Four minutes until I can fart!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think i got beer on your cat.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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