i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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