I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
