sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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