Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
